A quick review of the Ontario Sasquatch Research (OSR) website reveals that there are indeed Sasquatch in Ontario. More particularly, in asking people in the know within Kenora, it is also revealed that there is Sasquatch in the forests of Northwestern Ontario. Although the conventional understanding of such creatures indicates that they are peaceful and more interested in avoiding direct contact with humans, you just never know. A sudden movement, an unintended social snub or poorly chosen bush attire could elicit an angry response from the average Sasquatch; after all, you are in their home.
Accordingly, it is important to be prepared to defend yourself if necessary using any and all means possible. The following article epresents the best advice able to be given at this time in consideration of our knowledge of the Sasquatch’s temperament and physical capabilities.
Avoiding a Confrontation
Sasquatch are active both day and night, and can be found anywhere in the forests (or back alleys) of Northwestern Ontario. If you must travel in the bush, be alert at all times. Try not to startle any unsuspecting Sasquatch that you may come across as this may cause it to attack. Further, if you do come across a Sasquatch, avoid all direct eye contact with the creature as it may take that as a challenge – you do not want to challenge a Sasquatch.
Lastly, if forced to retreat from a Sasquatch, do not run as this may elicit a chase response and it is very unlikely that you can outrun a Sasquatch. However, if in a group of people when encountering a Sasquatch, these words from my father, wellknown Sasquatch enthusiast Michael Douglas, are valid – you only have to run faster than the last person.
If you are unable to avoid a confrontation with a Sasquatch, try reasoning with it at first. If it appears likely that it is negotiating from a position of extreme aggression, the following may be helpful.
Basic Defense against Sasquatch Attack
The Sasquatch is big, but likely not as quick as us smaller, comparatively skinnier humans. Accordingly, use this to your advantage! Sasquatch are well-known for telegraphing their punches, so focus your attention on the shoulders of the Sasquatch to determine where the attack is coming from.
If the Sasquatch throws a right jab, step back and slightly to your left while at the same time pivoting your body so that you are turned to face your right. At the same time bring up your left hand to “slap” the Sasquatch’s forearm away from your centerline and harmlessly away from you. At this time you may counterattack with your left arm, or continue to negotiate for your life.
Secret Ninja Diversion Technique to Thwart a
Sasquatch Attack
Just as Sasquatch use the forest to hide their presence from humans, and thereby intent to attack if necessary, so too can humans use secret ninja diversion techniques to accomplish the same purpose – some times a good defence is a strong offence. When encountering a Sasquatch, create a diversion so as to disrupt its attention from you to another potential target.
When the Sasquatch’s attention is thusly disrupted, use your longest weapon, in this instance likely your leg, to attack the Sasquatch so that it will be immobilized for as long as possible. Once so immobilized, make good your escape from the Sasquatch as fast and as far as possible because at some point it is getting back up and will be angry, not only from the pain recently received but also from the ribbing that will surely ensue from fellow Sasquatch for being fooled by such a lame maneuver.
Fair Play
While this brief article has outlined some basic techniques to utilize in defence against a Sasquatch attack (a full length book will be forthcoming), it must be remembered that humans and Sasquatch really do not need to fight to understand each other. Sometimes if after negotiations, where both parties have expressed their feelings and actively listened to the other, an understanding can be reached that mutually benefits both parties. Where that is the case, it is best to sit back, tell some fishing stories and enjoy the fine Northwestern Ontario weather.
